"...especially in the Bay Area. ... But there's a palpable lack of social fabric. I worry that this atomization is becoming a world-wide phenomenon – that we might be some of the first generations without the sort of community that it's in human nature to rely on."
Are we talking about a general problem, or about a group of 20-somethings who grew up with families, went to college where they had a lot of free time with a bunch of others in the same situation, and then moved hundreds or thousands of miles to a place that puts emphasis on lack of ties, short terms, mobility, and long work hours?
'Cause I can assure you that most of the lonely people in the world can't afford $100 per month for a friend network.
Adult fraternities. More commonly known as secret societies or just clubs. Theres already a few of them, but I believe it's pretty uncommon to be in one. Make em so they can choose who to accept as well, something at least slightly exclusive is better for everyone in the end. It can really take any form, a clubhouse, house where some people live and others just come to hang out, etc. But what's really important is a space that a smaller group of people feel comfortable in, responsible for, and feel a strong connection to the other people in the group.
For remote workers in the Bay Area that deal with the added loneliness of working from home, Out Of Office[0] hosts weekly popup coworking sessions at different locations around San Francisco. It's a great way to get out of the house and meet other people while getting your work done.
A good roommate situation can be fine, but a bad one can be terrible. We've got to have other options.
Current internet connection tools encourage you to stay on your screen. You could easily design a system that nudges folks to actually get together in real time. Let's say you've been chatting via messenger for 10 minutes. Then you get a popup that says, "{name} is actually only x blocks away -- why don't you continue this over coffee?"
Meanwhile, a real-time idea could be apartments or houses with shared common areas. I miss the common rooms of college where you just happen to run into people. We could do that again as adults without the 9-act dramatic operas that happen when you share too much living space with folks. There's such thing as a happy medium.
A simple solution would seem to be an OKCupid clone that is strictly for friends and perhaps another for roommates. It is very good at aligning mutual interests and proximity and giving a sense of personalities. I see a large untapped market for older people as well. Unlike RL, you know going in that anyone on there is looking for companionship, which considerably reduces awkwardness.
I'm only slightly facetious here, but Twitch and the video gaming industry are already making billions reducing loneliness.. :-)
Start dancing. I started swing and jazz dancing a couple of years ago. The community is awesome, and you get to meet loads of people. There are regular events all over the world.
I just can't go back to a roomie situation due to having a cat (most of those places forbid pets) and wanting to bring girls over without asking for permission and having awkward introductions. The freedom of my own pad is worth the occasional isolation pangs.
My understanding is that our body systems have feedback mechanisms. But the system is complex. One system is this loneliness mechanism that values long term attachments and repeated communal interaction, and makes us feel lonely if we don't get them. But the other system is more immediate -- validation and entertainment trigger dopamine releases for a small happiness boost on the spot, i.e. with social media. And like a Goodhart's Law sort of scenario (i.e. metrics eventually get optimized for and cease to be meaningful) we've gotten really good at optimizing for that dopamine hit without all the other variables that would typically be associated with that validation. For example, perhaps when these feedback mechanisms were developed, you'd typically be physically in person, interacting with and being validated by a community, and hence the anti-loneliness system would've worked in tandem with the dopamine system. So we've actually actively gamed our bodies' systems for the cheap feel-good, and now we pay the price of long term loneliness.
imho loneliness is a systemic problem caused by a lack of understanding of what a friend really is. To demonstrate this, if you walked around and asked random people, or people you know, what a friend is, what is the odds they will answer correctly?
An acquaintance is someone you see in passing and have had a few conversations with. You know a bit about them, and hopefully enjoy their presence. Facebook, as far as I can tell, encourages building networks of acquaintances.
A friend, on the other hand, is an acquaintance you've gotten to know, but it turns out both of you want to one-on-one spend some time together. Catching up from time to time, or just hanging out. Whatever it is, both enjoy each other's presence enough to hang out outside of parties or meetups or whatever it may be. This usually comes from finding common hobbies but can be found through other methods. Sometimes I just like hanging out and watching a movie with people. Everyone has their preferences.
imho this is where American (and possibly Western) culture is failing atm. Many people like the acquaintances they know, but are unaware they can ask to hang out and spend more time together. It doesn't come up as a valid option for many people.
From there, there is degrees of friendship. Is it once or twice a year catching up, or is it someone you want to hang out with once or twice a month? This is often how circles of friends are created. When someone knows multiple people they want to hang out with once a month or less, it becomes easier to create group get togethers. I host movie nights, but go to gaming nights with people. It turns into that sort of thing.
At the end of the day, to have friends, you have to be a friend; you have to take that step of asking people to hang out or catch up. You have to be proactive. Otherwise, how will they know you like their presence? In a world full of people who do not know they can pull people into their social world, the few who do have an easy time choosing their friends and setting up their friend networks.
Not being lonely is important. Loneliness is the single largest precursor to depression. For many knowing how to gain friends is enough to curb or even remove their depression. For others there are other causes, which is why depression is such a complex subject.
Now you know what it is and how to do it. Now you have no excuse. Go make some friends! ^_^
It's not about roommates alone. Many people like myself don't want to share space but enjoy going to a local coworking and having a community there with people who do stuff also outside work. I've found some real friends there.
There's also the notion of getting married and raising a family. When you have children, you almost automatically become part of a new social network that you may never have even been aware of before: parents. You suddenly have a lot in common with other parents and it's not unlike being part of a special club. And of course it's the most fascinating hobby there is.
It's somewhat ironic that not so long ago, we were pretty much all married and making babies by age 20, and now we tend to stay single through our 20s while strategizing ways to avoid becoming lonely.
In my twenties I tried (a couple of times but not really tried) to live in communes / large houses of more than 12 people
It worked ok ish most of the time but I honestly think it is a significant part of the answer - as cities become more crowded just chucking people together to work it out has many positive benefits - child care sharing is easier at some life stages, meeting others, community activism and so on all seemed to flow naturally.
Along with Barcelona style super-blocks I would recommend communes / high density households as a good option
Roam.co is essentially out of business, but having spent several weeks in their Tokyo property it was a great experience. Always someone around to chat or eat with.
Tokyo has a large number of Sharehouses built and managed by the full stack businesses the author mentions (along with smaller co-op styles). Roam Tokyo rented a floor of a sharehouse building which had regular tenants, coworking space, conference rooms, and a large commercial style kitchen.
The model definitely works well enough in Japan, including many with a mix of natives and expats.
Adult sport leagues. These are very common in Europe, but are fairly rare in the US.
John Vervaeke - Awakening from the Meaning Crisis https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLND1JCRq8Vuh3f0P5qjrS...
People don't sing together as much as we used to.
Print version, if you're into that sorta thing: https://www.dropbox.com/sh/a89qnbm9tsr0hf6/AAC-VxKRjH76D_K94...
In a city like NYC, the only people you really see regularly are the people you live with, the people you work with, and the people you sleep with.
Finding good roommates is definitely one way to solve the problem, but if you’re not knee deep in a community with a strong sense of values and culture (like EA), finding matches can be challenging.
Also, as someone who has been in and around this space, several of the coliving companies you mentioned are not doing well financially.
Especially in NYC, all of the coliving spots (some of which have raised significant capital) have almost all their inventory in deep Brooklyn or Queens. It’s nearly impossible to find a good share in the city unless you stumble into it or create it with friends, which depends on having a wide network of people who have leases ending around the same time (or who are willing to break leases). Also, much of the good housing inventory is either taken or overpriced, so part of this also depends on either having wealthy friends or finding a way to finagle a deal on a place before it hits the market.
Last thing I’ll say is that one of the reasons why people only see roommates, coworkers, and partners regularly is because of lack of religious / school affiliation. It’s hard to get people to commit to something weekly, but if you can do it, it’s way easier to spin up than coordinating a group house.
The past few months I’ve been doing a weekly Monday breakfast with 2 friends —- it’s quickly become the highlight of all of our weeks.
Other than, I think the best choice is to find (or create) something that you’re willing to commit to at least 1x per week. Finding a spiritual institution (even an agnostic friendly one like humanist society or Unitarian church), picking up a martial art, or auditing a course at a local grad school (this is my recent fav) are all ways you can find more depth in city life.
+1 for the idea of community porn, though. 1-off events just aren’t the same.
Started out great and then started talking about roommates and became an advertisement for the roommate matching service. I don’t think that is the answer to loneliness.
It seems like there is an obsession with loneliness as of late. I keep seeing articles on the front page that talk about it. I guess it's a big problem now.
This should be an add-on to companies like Tinder. People will provide a lot of data in the interest of finding a romantic or sexual partner. Tinder could say “sorry about that bad date but here’s this guy you might like living with!”
Oy vey lesswrong
If you're lonely, adopt a dog from your local animal shelter. A cat is fine, too.
Well now we know what the childless 25-year old programmer demographic thinks.
"Without the framework of a uniting religion, ethnicity, or purpose, it's hard to get people to truly commit to a given community."
Points out that multiculturalism is destroying our civilization.
Then goes on to brainstorm completely irrelevant solutions, as if the idea of simply restoring proper homogeneity is just forbidden by a higher power.
It’s fairly easy to build a community of friends.
Also, things like Ultimate Frisbee are free -/ we play every morning in Brooklyn’s Prospect Park; when I was in Palo Alto / SF we played a few days a week; and I even built a league / scene from scratch in my hometown of Erie, PA 20 years ago.
This is a way to scratch your left foot when your right foot itches.
The way to alleviate loneliness, is to do meaningful work. Meaningful work will inevitably involve other people.
It's not loneliness so much as being so fucking bored, because everything that took up your time in the past centuries, has now been automated, and you're sent to prison for 10+ years to break your spirit as early as 3 years old.
You send children to school where they have no autonomy, have to sit quietly and memorize stupid bullshit through their entire childhood, and then wonder why they go nuts in all kinds of unpredictable ways.
We're not meant to do stupid bullshit we see no value in doing our entire lives. What's a roommate gonna do to alleviate that? Just skip roommate, try heroin to forget this shit existence and plunge into a world of bliss.
Something that goes unquestioned in this article is that you want to live with people who are like you down to the same taste in video games. I find this not to be true for me, and that I find it easiest to live with people that are different enough that you end up needing to use kindness to relate to each other.
After having felt isolated in my previous living situations, I'm now in a complex where we all hang out in the parking lot most afternoons. I'm a software engineer, my neighbors include bus drivers, clerks, landscapers, those who have no visible means of support, etc. It's a nice relaxed environment, which I don't experience when people who are too similar are around.
This is a problem with a lot of matching systems, sometimes similarity isn't desirable.