You want to be a performer. Corporate work is performative, but it's not for performers.
Startups are nice because the environment you are describing quickly leads to a failed startup. I've identified recently that that's a preference of mine. The need for survival does wonderful things to organizational alignment.
You are very smart, you appear driven. You either need to piss your drive away, or find a role where you can perform to the degree that you desire.
1. Tell these exact thoughts to your management. Don’t hold back because you have valid concerns there are catastrophic risks to the business.
2. If management is not setting explicit expectations for you then write your own expectations and make that part of your management conversation.
3. Determine who owns this mess by name. If nobody owns it then accept ownership and become the product owner of record. Business requirements may change rapidly but as the product owner you get to set parameters and write tools/processes to lower risks and increase code reuse.
4. No what happens just remember that at this point you are an individual contributor and you can only do the work assigned in the daylight hours. At the end of the day just go home.
Honest truth ? Most companies/teams have some level of dysfunction, chaos, lack of documentation and/or a combination of these. So the question is: how much is too much for you ?
If you are hoping for a fair tale world where it's almost perfect, I don't think that exists. You need to think about this differently. Instead of saying "everything sucks and I want the perfect situation before I can do my best", say this "I think there is an opportunity here for me to take on, fix some of the issues and hopefully grow with the team".
In my opinion, what really matters is how good and supportive your team is. Your management. Are they at least supportive or are their expectations too much without giving you anything in return ? Focus on that. If you have a good supportive environment with people you like working with, think twice before leaving.
This is the real world again. No matter where you go, dysfunction will be there. Good luck.
> but there are days in which I feel like I really can't do anything and basically idle until it's time to go home, and this last part is really killing me with guilt.
This is internalized capitalist serfdom right there. You are in a business contract. If it’s not your fault you can’t do anything useful, why the F feel guilty? Best thing you can do - if I may suggest - is to use that time to find a better job. Sometimes a job doesn’t work out, don’t beat yourself up over it and learn the signs.
reading the burnout society by byung chul han might help you.
I don't have much advice for you but I can tell you the statement, "I would feel sick at my stomach just looking at code in the morning" resonates quite strongly.
I just got laid off last week and was looking forward to taking some time, but someone last night strongly advised me not to wait as Spring is hiring season. I should probably start looking.
I'll tell you what I really hate, is when you get short on vacation during a burn out period. Then you really see how trapped you are.
I think a mistake I've made is sticking things out because I wanted to get my 3 years in. That's a long time for a LinkedIn badge.