Parents, teachers and media spent a lot of time telling my having a baby would ruin my life. They didn't want me to be a teen parent. I get it.
But most of the scaremongering wasn't about teen parenthood. It was just about parenthood, and life once you have too many responsibilities to enjoy being a teen. So once you do reach the age that raising children is more responsible, you still have to get past the same fears.
Society has an irritating way of 'hazing' its juniors by telling them life keeps on going downhill. So far I've found the opposite, and that I'd be better equipped to handle it anyway.
Kids especially once the second one arrives kill your money, your sex life, your free time and they will probably destroy at least one item that has sentimental value to you.
Feel squeamish about bodily fluids? Don't worry the kids will cure you. Nothing like trying to do a Matrix style bullet time dodge when you are changing a nappy and the cold air makes your son let loose with a stream of pee.
And then they look at you and giggle and the world is perfect. Wouldn't change it for the word, but enjoy life first then have the kids. Its not worse just very very different and you can't go back.
The hard lesson I've learned from having two kids is that apparently all these things I've trained myself to "love" for three decades are all just methods to waste time. Kids take your time and the distractions become few and far in-between. I "miss" my distractions because I miss my time. But there is probably nothing more worthwhile that I could do with it than investing it in these fresh beings.
Having kids does ruin your life. But it also makes you realize that that life was worth ruining. I miss having loads of idle time, hanging out with friends every weekend, etc. I also miss the basically complete financial security I had before having to support a family as a sole earner, and eventually I realized I needed medication to cope with the anxiety it was causing.
But my son is awesome, and there's absolutely no way I'd trade him back for any of that.
I don't have kids. My wife and I chose not to. We are really happy with all the stuff we have going on that we don't have to juggle kids as well.
What an amazing world we live in where we can make that choice.
I think of my friends - they all seem firmly in the camp of "having kids is awesome". Even the one friend who almost died from her pregnancy (her daughter is now 13, plays saxophone, wears all black and has blue hair).
YMMV.
Not everyone gets to experience many of these pros when they have a child. This is just a vacuous blog post. For me, after having a child was the hardest and most depressing few years of my life.
(Things are better now btw, not perfect, but improved)
The pros in these lists always make me think that brainwashing is part parenthood.
It's interesting.
My most surprising observation about having children is that, although instinctively you think you'll be doing much much less fun stuff than before children, it's not actually true. Yes, there is a decrease, and you tend to be more tired. But even aside from whether children themselves are fun, I got much better at squeezing fun out of less free time. I'd say I do 80% of sports etc I did pre-kids. And then as the kids get bigger, they do become genuinely fun. I take mine climbing. It's not hardcore, more sweet and mellow, but it's fun.
What did massively change for me is relationship dynamics, but that's perhaps a different story.
Having a baby changes every aspect of your life. Some of those changes are good, some not so much. Whether it's a good or bad thing overall depends on you and your temperament.
I usually say that having a kid is a form of suicide. Your old self needs to die and you should be OK with that.
People aren't happy if they yearn for the life they had before.
Im curious how having kids ruined peoples life, was your childless life full of rando sex and spending sprees? Do you miss being able to play video games all day and night? what do you think youre missing out on? Comedy clubs? A disciplined life with kids is unparalleled.
Just coming back from a 3-day journey with my family. A completely different universe than what it would be alone. Chill out, drinks and sex are replaced by nagging and boring activities. BUT, those who have kids can only understand why it worths. The same scales for their entire growing time.
Other commenters have written much more emotional and spot on view points.
It helps to enjoy all the things kids enjoy - reading silly books, legos, going to the beach, walking, sports, trampoline parks, water guns, nerf, kids movies, school, frisbee, crafts, etc. Kids are an excellent excuse to do more of these things, and an excellent counter to being sucked into the black hole of throwing all your energy into work or a hobby.
In the long term the choice of mate is far more consequential than having children.
children are a disruptive innovation to your life.
The list of pros made me cringe.
Yes, I’ve had a baby fall asleep on my chest. Personally I prefer when a cat does it.
Yes, I’ve seen a baby sneeze. It doesn’t even register in my top favourite things and definitely does not make up for the rest.
Yes, I make my friends laugh, and I’ve made them wheeze hard until they’re out of breath with clever ideas we can all build upon. If your friends are faking laughs around you and in a way you can’t tell, I’m afraid to say maybe they’re just acquaintances.
Yes, I’ve been stared at with “unfiltered love and wonder”. By an adult, who has reason to and does it out of genuine felt affection for the person I am and the things I do, not simply because I’m the person in front of them and they’re ignorant of everything around them.
And on and on. I could address literally every point.
Look, you do you. If you enjoy being a parent, more power to you. But this list doesn’t really “[contribute] to the debate” nor will it “help others make up their mind”, especially when the cons are clearly dishonest or at best uninformed by a fatherhood which hasn’t even spanned half a year yet. You’re either trying really hard to convince yourself that you like being a parent (which is a bad sign) or you’re genuinely so happy (good sign) that you just wanted to gush to the world. Which is fine, sometimes we just want to share what makes us happy and that’s positive, let’s just not pretend this list is in any way an honest attempt at conversation.
Personally, becoming a dad was the single best thing that ever happened to me. I haven’t loved every minute of it, but it added abundant love and purpose to my life and gave me what I didn’t know I needed. My only regret is that I didn’t do it sooner.
But I’ve been lucky in this regard. I was deeply conflicted going into it. But all of that doubt left me the moment I first held him in my arms. I don’t know if circumstances were different whether I would’ve had the same experience.
And the scariest part about becoming a parent is that there’s no way for you to try it out. I had been an uncle for decades before becoming a parent. Those experiences are not the same.
The choice to become a parent, or to not become a parent, is one of those choices in life that requires a leap of faith. There’s no way to explore the counter factual.
But, for those of you on the fence, let me say this. We all come from a long line of parents. I believe that there are certain rewards placed in our brain by evolution that are only unlocked by becoming a parent. Nothing can help you understand your parents and the love you did or didn’t receive from them quite like loving your own child.